Wanting to turn the cold winds into a shower, she waited for the storm. That storm, she believed, would take her through a secretive egress that’d clear all clouds. The rhythm in her chest paced up signifying some complicated happiness.
If someone discovers you while yearning to be discovered, the feeling remains etched. Then, waiting wouldn’t be exhausting; it also won’t any longer be only the essence of sadness or loneliness. That was what she felt, a roller-coaster of emotions, that couldn’t easily be put in words.
What if that doesn’t happen at the dawn? Maybe, it’s meant to be at the dusk. The end of the wait will be that vibrant sunset, the best show saved only for the end of the day!
If someone told me a couple of years ago that there would be a global pandemic that turns our world upside down, I would have told them that this is not a dystopian novel. Now, I am not so sure. We consume information about more and more violence every day, women are denied their bodily autonomy and wars can be waged without reason. I remember writing in my slam book in college that I would be settled in life by the time I’m thirty, enjoying cocktails by my poolside. I guess I used to be much more optimistic as a person back then. It’s going to be a year since I quit my corporate job to pursue my master’s, which also translated as putting enough distance so that nagging relatives don’t ask me about getting married. My work ethic was something I took pride in. When I was in eleventh grade, I remember my Tamil teacher telling us he has never been not occupied with something in life, he got his job the same month he finished his studies. I guess it stuck to me. I did the same, got a job right after my studies and worked for 4 years straight. It took me a lot of conversations with my therapist to understand that I never really had a break in my life. That keep-on-winning attitude is eventually going to result in you becoming burnt out.
I still struggle sometimes with accepting that I am living on my savings, but I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. I remember having a conversation with a German friend who told me it’s a given in his family that everyone takes a gap year after school to live life the way they want. He went volunteering in Serbia to work with school children and fell in love with the country and people that year.I realised the hustle mindset is something we Indians are groomed into. I have never lived life at a slow pace before. To be honest, it’s boring sometimes, but it also gives you time to introspect. Who are you? What do you want in life? Are you doing things for yourself or expectations of others? I realised the reason I didn’t enjoy certain things in life is that I didn’t want them, there were things I was pursuing just because they were markers of success in the world. Once I let go of them, I feel so much freer. Breaking those rigid milestone goals in my life such as getting married at this age, buying a house at this age etc has done wonders for my mental health. Now, my only goal is happiness. It might change in the future, you never know but I feel content where I am.
I like your intention (or maybe a sweet little blunder) of planting this sapling in a corner of the pot, leaving enough soil space in the center. Now, that makes for a perfect chill bed for this comfy connoisseur to stretch, curl, and take a nap after lunch.
But, don’t blame me if at all the plant self-destructs itself, wanting to give me all its space out of love. I’m just treating ours as a mutualistic relationship, while fertilizing my plant partner. Continue reading →
It could’ve been anything but it just wasn’t wanted.
Yet, a wish is made shaping flexibly to expectations.
Why do we make a wish only over a falling star?
Is it not vacating today and burdening tomorrow?
An extra-ordinary warrior, they call.
An extra of ordinary worry-er, it seems.
When everyone is out of mind, who cares what’s inside one’s mind?
Have you seen or been someone instilling hope into people facing tough times? I don’t mean advice here, but lending ears and providing words of comfort. I’ve been on both the giving and the receiving ends. Though the intention is good, sometimes, it just fuels the anxiety. This is a free verse that addresses such a scenario.
I have been of a belief earlier that when we overload ourselves, often over an emotional outburst like regrets specifically, we break our hearts. Even highly ductile and malleable metals have a breaking point, right? Likewise, I thought it’s okay to take rest and restore whenever there’s an emotional shutdown. At least, that’s how I was.
I sooner or later also realized that regrets keep chasing and we can’t keep shutting down repeatedly for the same issue. ‘Whenever’ was a mistake. A mistake when done once holds some value. But, when it keeps on popping as if there’s no end, it is literally draining. One can’t always choose to rest for the same emotional matter of concern.
Long after this realization dawned, I was told that there can’t be any heartbreaks over regrets, during a conversation with a friend. This assertion made me think. How can a person lose what is loved but not have heartbreak? I explored more on this “no heartbreak” philosophy and that’s when I came across a transcript which I totally enjoyed reading.
When people enquire about my busyness and the response comes out to be ‘I’m engaged or committed with something or somebody’, why can’t they just let it be? In awe, the follow-up is usually, ‘Why haven’t you told me yet?’. I mean, why should we announce if it’s just another part of our normal lives? Won’t you get to know if you’re meant to know?
How come the words ‘committed’ or ‘engaged’, in a multitude of minds, just associate themselves with romantic relationships alone? Can’t someone be committed to their family that requires special attention, their dreams that require extra efforts, just those regular chores that happen to be unusually long, or some self care practices that require more energy?
I strongly believe that commitment develops depths of emotions and understanding, be it in a hobby, a goal or a relationship. But, I don’t understand why this personal responsibility often gets mixed up with societal expectations.
The frosted look of the concentrated essence (quintessence) is nothing but the melted (drain) colors of the sky (empyrean domain) that have taken shelter inside the glaucous-colored grapes in a frozen form.
The head, getting full, ached as it compromised the vacancy in the heart bearing the latter’s burden in spite of constantly fearing if it was developing claustrophobia within, as the doors of escape from agitated thoughts were always locked.
shelter of patterns offer hindsight or foresight clear blatant vision
Aren’t patterns astonishing? We take shelter in them while also wanting to break them. Quite ironical, is it not?
The varied hues of clouds at dusk, stars at night, the rustle of a coconut palm, the ripples on a silent pool, the aggregation of ice crystals that present us the snow fractals, animal and human behaviour are all nothing but patterns. On a bigger scale, the Milky Way Galaxy which we’re a part of has spiral patterns depicting a Fibonacci sequence in space. Isn’t that stunning? These regularities that reveal themselves in our observations often offer a sense of satisfaction to confused minds, and act like a shelter to hazed thoughts.
Not only in nature are these configurations present. We plan our days, maintain a consistent routine to manage the time and weave a pattern around us consciously or otherwise. We accidentally meet a good old friend, and at once our brain frames a pattern of longing to meet them all. Rhyme schemes are also patterns used by poets to please their readers. Even chaos we face in our lives is an unrecognized pattern which barely gets recognized. That’s what has transformed into the cliché of ‘history repeats itself’.
But, as much as patterns fascinate me, I feel that they’re also a trap.