I have been of a belief earlier that when we overload ourselves, often over an emotional outburst like regrets specifically, we break our hearts. Even highly ductile and malleable metals have a breaking point, right? Likewise, I thought it’s okay to take rest and restore whenever there’s an emotional shutdown. At least, that’s how I was.
I sooner or later also realized that regrets keep chasing and we can’t keep shutting down repeatedly for the same issue. ‘Whenever’ was a mistake. A mistake when done once holds some value. But, when it keeps on popping as if there’s no end, it is literally draining. One can’t always choose to rest for the same emotional matter of concern.
Long after this realization dawned, I was told that there can’t be any heartbreaks over regrets, during a conversation with a friend. This assertion made me think. How can a person lose what is loved but not have heartbreak? I explored more on this “no heartbreak” philosophy and that’s when I came across a transcript which I totally enjoyed reading.
They say silence is a source of great strength; so can it be for weakness. When words are replaced with silence, not always does it remain pleasant and comfortable. Sometimes, it haunts with loud shudders of the heart. Yeah, silence has a real sound that is capable of turning truths into lies and projecting illusions as realities. It’s exhausting to the core.
There’s work throughout the day and not enough sleep at night. There are words swallowed and peace slain. The deepest feelings begin to unnerve. Why am I enervated? Is it because of the draining days and sleepless nights? Am I following a dream I didn’t choose to? Am I missing something that I can’t hold? Am I fleeing from my own thoughts? Is what I am running from, the one that I should be running towards? The answers are truly blurred.
It’s easy to pop a balloon, but not break the brick wall. My heart is now a conglomeration of bricks. With time, it got stronger and stronger and is getting more harder to break. But, I keep trying clinging on the rope of hope, creeping through subdued shadows, to break it someday.
Yeah, you heard it right. I am in pursuit of an intentional heartbreak. How will it open until it is not broken? Only when it breaks and aches, I believe there’ll be ways that let in rays for an alternative exploration.